Monday I posted about a parenting challenge from The Parenting Passageway's Back to Basics. The challenge, especially to parents with young children under seven, was to stop talking so much.
Before age three, children are living through their bodies and their impulses. They are great imitators and learning so much about life through our example. Between three and five they are beginning to develop very vivid memories and great fantasy worlds. Speaking to them excessively brings them out of that body experience and into their heads to make decisions too early for their spiritual and emotional development. Children can't even begin to tell right from wrong on an intellectually independent level until near the age of five. Asking or telling them something specific to remember extensively is time and energy wasted. We are better off modeling what we need or want of them and incorporating it into our extended rhythms of life.
Something as simple as making the choice to brush teeth at night before going to bed is loaded with all sorts of mental energy and expectation. As adults we have the previous experience of dental visits and teeth cleanings, the knowledge of why we brush and the consideration for what we ate during the day that fuels our reason to carry on the habit. When developing this habit in our children, we don't unload to them everything we've experienced about brushing teeth. We simply carry it out as a part of our daily rhythms and set the example.
There is little within our day, an even less in Everett's day, that needs to be filled with as much mental energy as I tend to give it, and adults from society at large tend to give.
With this in mind, one of the ways I took on the challenge this week was to physically carry out a directive instead of verballing giving it whenever I could.
For example, when we wake up in the morning I would typically tell him all that we need to do before leaving the house.
"Okay, let's get out of bed. We need to all get dressed, get some breakfast, and pack the diaper bag and snack before we leave. C'mon, let's get up!"
Several more prompts, directives or pleadings would fill this morning rhythm before it was all said and done.
This Tuesday morning, however, I got myself and Kellan out of bed without the usual talk, allowing Everett to come bouncing after us. In the bedroom, I pulled out the boys' clothes and started getting Kellan dressed. If I wasn't such a talker before Everett may be able to just follow the rhythm but because he's so used to my prompts (and because he loves to hang out in his jammies) I had to give him a simple, "C'mon! We're getting dressed!"
When he didn't get dressed right away, instead of prompting and pleading several times, I finished getting Kellan dressed and pulled him over to help him. Once started, he took over, no problem. The rest of our morning went along similarly.
Some of you are probably thinking, "Okay, so what? Less talking. What's the big deal?" Well... in truth it was quite smoother than usual. Everett was allowed to be in his element of play and directed to follow my lead when necessary. Because I wasn't involving him so much in the process mentally and physically, I felt more relaxed and encountered less resistance from him in general. I wonder why I have always felt the need to involve him in all the steps of our mornings.
I have carried on this same gesture to other areas where I would normally be talking up a storm and found that in some ways our days have been a little quieter this week. More than anything, I've become aware of how I can continue to change- things that I've over-explained or times where I talk but could sing, hum or use a silly voice instead.
Lastly, as Everett continues to fill our home with a continuous string of "whys" I can help quiet down the house (and our minds) by doing a little less talking myself and allow him to come upon the answers through his experience.
10.25.2010
All Right, I'll Stop Talking!
One of my favorite blogs, The Parenting Passageway, has recently been running a series called Back to the Basics. It's one of Carrie's old series that she is rerunning and fine tuning and it has been full of superb parenting advice.
Friday she posed a parenting challenge to stop talking so much, especially those of us with under seven year olds. This I am INCREDIBLY guilty of doing. I am so ashamed to be saying it, too, because in so many ways when I began talking to Everett... and explaining, reasoning, and involving him in decisions... I thought I was doing right by him. I wanted to empower him to be his own self, to follow directions because they made sense, to appropriately question outright authority.
Okay, so maybe that is a bit much to start developing in a two year old. My intentions were, and still are, for him to grow into this person, but perhaps with Kellan I will learn to balance that out with a bit less talking. After all, as Carrie points out, children live in there bodies not in their heads. Why would I want to take that beautiful gift away from him so soon when he'll surely encounter the challenge of continuing to live from his whole self (not just his head) as he grows into a complicated adult. I'm already there and facing that challenge on a daily basis.
As much as I feel like a fool, I am sure I've been talking to Everett waaaay too much so I am taking on the challenge. Carrie has some great ideas, too, on how to stop talking....
We'll see how many of these wonderfully natural ideas work out for us in the coming days as we continue to tweak the rhythms of days since moving. Read more on the why and how's of this challenge on the full post here.
Friday she posed a parenting challenge to stop talking so much, especially those of us with under seven year olds. This I am INCREDIBLY guilty of doing. I am so ashamed to be saying it, too, because in so many ways when I began talking to Everett... and explaining, reasoning, and involving him in decisions... I thought I was doing right by him. I wanted to empower him to be his own self, to follow directions because they made sense, to appropriately question outright authority.
Okay, so maybe that is a bit much to start developing in a two year old. My intentions were, and still are, for him to grow into this person, but perhaps with Kellan I will learn to balance that out with a bit less talking. After all, as Carrie points out, children live in there bodies not in their heads. Why would I want to take that beautiful gift away from him so soon when he'll surely encounter the challenge of continuing to live from his whole self (not just his head) as he grows into a complicated adult. I'm already there and facing that challenge on a daily basis.
As much as I feel like a fool, I am sure I've been talking to Everett waaaay too much so I am taking on the challenge. Carrie has some great ideas, too, on how to stop talking....
How many directives do you give that could be either carried by your rhythm, done with no words at all (for example, instead of saying, “Now let’s brush our teeth!” could you just hand Little Johnny his toothbrush?) or could your words be phrased in a way that involves fantasy or movement? For example, if you need your child to sit down at the table to eat, you could ask your baby bird to fly over to the table and sit in its nest. “Mama Bird has food for you!” Could you redirect your child into some sort of movement that involves their imagination that would satisfy the need for peace in your home?
We'll see how many of these wonderfully natural ideas work out for us in the coming days as we continue to tweak the rhythms of days since moving. Read more on the why and how's of this challenge on the full post here.
10.18.2010
I'm Not Everything
I admit it. As sad as it makes me, I am no longer everything for Everett. Okay, really I haven't been for a while.... Not since daddy took on the role of Everett's playmate. Or when anyone moved in to feed, hold, kiss, cuddle or discipline Everett. In fact, not since he was birthed from that lovely home in my womb, was I truly his everything. It sure did feel like it though.
For three and a half years, being mommy has felt like being his entire world (almost). In reality I share the role of "the world" with my husband, but as all mommies know, there is no replacing the snuggles, kisses, comforts or breasts of mommy. As of late, however, I've had to let go of a bigger part of that role.
Dr. Louise Ames writes a series of books, one for each age of a child from 1-9 years old and then a single book for 10-14 year olds. I picked up her book for three year olds (Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy) several months ago and read through its 150 pages quickly. Three years old sounded heavenly. Three and half... well, it can be horrendous. Since Everett turned three and half, I have had my patience stretched and pulled to it's maximum more than it ever has. I'm dead serious, too. Our days, and weeks for that matter, have been a roller coaster of intense emotions, just as the book says.
I was hoping since we went through a few challenging weeks at the beginning of three that Everett was ahead of the schedule and that our three and a half wouldn't be so bad. Ha. I was soooo naive. Suddenly, the mommy that was everything feels like she's Everett's worst enemy at times. With one word I can turn him to shambles. He'll be in tears and crumpling to the floor or raging mad with swinging fists. Five or ten minutes later, though, he's on my lap needing comfort and love from the woman who can't be replaced entirely. Three and a half is a whirlwind that would knock even the best of mommies on her ass, I'm sure. I've spent the last few weeks dreading our hardest time of day- quiet time in the afternoons- and wondering how I am going to survive (or how Everett is going to survive) the next five or six months.
The solution to all this madness? As simple as it seems, Dr. Ames' recommendation is to give him up! That is, send him to daycare, preschool or a babysitter's house. Get me and him away from each other for a while. Good riddance, I say! Just kidding... Sort of. Honestly, though, a break would be perfect. So when a couple people in my life brought up this point I jumped on it and enrolled Everett in a couple days away at a kid's day out program.
The funny thing is that a few months back, just before Kellan was born, I was balling over my sweet 3 year old baby asleep in my arms because I was afraid that I wouldn't have the time to be his everything anymore. And I couldn't imagine him not being my everything anymore. It's amazing that what this is really all about is the natural separation that is supposed to occur when we no longer need each other for everything.
Of course, he doesn't know how to be entirely independent yet. There are many situations that he comes across on a daily basis where he wants to or feels drawn to be independent but doesn't know how to cope with those feelings or the feelings that arise when I put up limitations to that independence. It may be a hard way to go, but my goodness, it does the job. This new anger, frustration, and intensity on both our parts is certainly allowing him to break away a little more each day.
The comforts in all this are, yes, it is temporary, and true independence, as we all know, is very gradually created. My own family is a perfect example of this every time one of us adult children goes home, literally, to my parents, or emotionally through a phone call or a hug. For now, I'm still most of the world and taking advantage of every loving, happy moment I can get!
10.15.2010
Kids in the Kitchen: Applesauce and Apple Butter
Our annual trip to Alldredge Apple Orchard really signals the beginning of autumn for me. Taking home all the delicious local apples and setting them to boil down into applesauce or apple butter is my favorite. I love the smells of cinnamon and nutmeg wafting through the house and that first bite of warm applesauce topped with some ginger granola or vanilla ice cream.
Applesauce is super easy for Everett to help make, too. We pull out the fancy shmancy apple slicer with handles and put him to work!
I cut out any bad spots and then we throw the slices into a stock pot and the cores in to a compost bowl. We fill a whole pot so that we have lots of extra to freeze. Our pot, which is like a typical stock/spaghetti pot size, makes about 14-16 cups or 4 quart-sized freezer bags once it is all boiled down and pureed.
Once the pot is full of sliced apples we sprinkle in a couple tablespoons of cinnamon, and some ginger, nutmeg, cloves and/or all spice. We don't really measure, we just go for what looks good. I also don't add water or apple juice/cider like some recipes call for because I like our sauce to be thick and it always seems to have enough juice on it's own. Also, we typically make it unsweetened, unless we are making apple butter. Then, we do a few swirls around the pot with some maple syrup or honey.
Once all the apples have boiled soft and squishy, we toss it into the blender to puree in a couple batches. If all we are making is sauce, we stop here, throw some in a container and throw some in freezer bags for the freezer.
If we are making apple butter, then back into the pot it goes. We bring it to a boil, then simmer for a couple hours until it's met our preferred consistency. This also freezes well.
Either way, applesauce or apple butter, it's a tasty homemade autumn treat. On top of that, there's a reason for the old adage, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away." Apples are great for you!
Here's what organicfacts.net says about the apple:
Other sources also note the apple's anti-asthma properties!
Applesauce is super easy for Everett to help make, too. We pull out the fancy shmancy apple slicer with handles and put him to work!
I cut out any bad spots and then we throw the slices into a stock pot and the cores in to a compost bowl. We fill a whole pot so that we have lots of extra to freeze. Our pot, which is like a typical stock/spaghetti pot size, makes about 14-16 cups or 4 quart-sized freezer bags once it is all boiled down and pureed.
Once the pot is full of sliced apples we sprinkle in a couple tablespoons of cinnamon, and some ginger, nutmeg, cloves and/or all spice. We don't really measure, we just go for what looks good. I also don't add water or apple juice/cider like some recipes call for because I like our sauce to be thick and it always seems to have enough juice on it's own. Also, we typically make it unsweetened, unless we are making apple butter. Then, we do a few swirls around the pot with some maple syrup or honey.
Once all the apples have boiled soft and squishy, we toss it into the blender to puree in a couple batches. If all we are making is sauce, we stop here, throw some in a container and throw some in freezer bags for the freezer.
If we are making apple butter, then back into the pot it goes. We bring it to a boil, then simmer for a couple hours until it's met our preferred consistency. This also freezes well.
Either way, applesauce or apple butter, it's a tasty homemade autumn treat. On top of that, there's a reason for the old adage, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away." Apples are great for you!
Here's what organicfacts.net says about the apple:
Apple contains minerals such as magnesium, copper, manganese,copper, calcium, iron, potassium and phosphorus in small quantities. Apple also contains dietary fiber, which help in reducing the bad cholesterol levels.... Apple is rich in Vitamin A and Vitamin C. Vitamin A concentration is higher in the outer skin than the flesh. Like potatoes, Vitamin C concentration is higher just below the skin in apples also. Hence the skin of the apple should not be discarded. Other vitamins present in apple include Vitamin K, Thiamin, Riboflavin, and Vitamin B6.
...The nutritional value of apple makes it useful for digestion, stomach disorders, anaemia, weakness, dental care, dysentry, heart disease, rheumatism, eye disorders,cancer, gout, and skin care.
Other sources also note the apple's anti-asthma properties!
10.12.2010
This Is Why I Run
On some runs I hit the streets with a baby in the jogging stroller but a lot of runs I've had completely to myself. My run may be 5:30 in the morning or 8:00 at night. It can be in the midst of training for a race five times a week, or the desperate get away only a handful of times in a month.
When my foot touches the pavement my mind starts clearing. I notice my breath, slow and steady or heavy and fast on an uphill. I notice my posture, the tension in my shoulders melting away and my back loosening. My eyes wander among treetops and houses or creek beds. I notice the sound my shoes make on the asphalt, a mix between a thump and a pat. I notice the first cool breezes of fall chilling my nose and cheeks, or the first crocuses popping up through the snow.
There is a lot that enters my mind, but all of it is in the present. As soon as it is there, it is gone again. As these sights and sounds take over my mind, the rest of my life slips away for a while.
There are runs I will always remember.
The first mile I ran. I was guiding a teenage boy who is blind as he trained to run the Sabates Eye Center Trolley Run. he and his peers inspired me to begin my running career. If they could do it, why wasn't I already?
My first time running for an hour straight. We lived in the River Market and it was warm and raining. I got soaked but felt euphoric. I was training for the Gobbler Grind Half Marathon that my Uncle Glen bet me to run with him. We never got to run it because it was cancelled, but it led to my love of long distances.
Waking up at the crack of dawn to run with Team in Training. There was a group of guys I often teamed up with to run, and then broke away from towards the end when I picked up my pace. I ran my first marathon, the San Diego Rock'n'Roll Marathon, with them in 2008.
Running itself isn't easy. In fact, especially in long distances, it can be grueling. Being a runner and being a mom is even harder. It takes a lot of discipline and love to get out there on a regular basis. I have to be disciplined to keep doing it and love myself enough to make my time a priority. It's really easy to let it slide to the wayside in lieu of extra sleep, caring for the baby, or getting another chore done.
But there is something about it that keeps calling me back to the streets. It could be the extra energy I feel when I'm so healthy, the friendships gained, the smaller sized jeans, or the way I push my body to its very limits. Most of all, though, I think it's because out there it's just me in the moment. No one and nothing else to think about. Just me.
10.07.2010
Engaging Children in Play with Other Children
Today was our first homeschool gathering, The room was full of children and I was excited for Everett to have some really good play time with kids his age and older. Everett just stood along the periphery and watched. He seemed to want to join them, but as soon as I plopped down, he was asking me to play.
Have you ever run into this situation? You may wonder, as you look at the other kids and think back to your hopes of a break, why you're little one doesn't just hop right into play. Your first reaction might be turning to your child and saying, "Why don't you go play with the other kids?" Instead of dismissing him, however, first stop and evaluate the situation.
What's Going on in his Mind?
I realized that Everett probably doesn't know how to engage in play with kids that he's never met before. Suddenly at the age of 3 he's become socially aware enough to be unsure of how to befriend them. Previous to this age, he's jumped into the crowd oblivious to any social rules. Now, he faces them with new concern and, possibly, fear. So, instead of facing the new social situation, he turns to me- familiar and safe territory.
Breaking the Ice
I noticed a castle with knights and other play figures that some boys were playing with and had abandoned since we arrived. I took Everett over there and began to play with him just like a little boy would. We took sides with the knights and fought to take over the castle. I used my best gruff manly voice and exclaimed, "Aha! We're here to take over your castle!" and "Aaar! He's got me!" tossing aside men who had been hurt.
In just minutes, two other boys were picking up stranded play figures and cannons to join the fight. A few more minutes of playing with them I quietly stepped out and let them take it from there. For the rest of the time we were there, Everett had no problem playing with the other kiddos. He just needed a little help getting started.
Have you ever run into this situation? You may wonder, as you look at the other kids and think back to your hopes of a break, why you're little one doesn't just hop right into play. Your first reaction might be turning to your child and saying, "Why don't you go play with the other kids?" Instead of dismissing him, however, first stop and evaluate the situation.
What's Going on in his Mind?
I realized that Everett probably doesn't know how to engage in play with kids that he's never met before. Suddenly at the age of 3 he's become socially aware enough to be unsure of how to befriend them. Previous to this age, he's jumped into the crowd oblivious to any social rules. Now, he faces them with new concern and, possibly, fear. So, instead of facing the new social situation, he turns to me- familiar and safe territory.
Breaking the Ice
I noticed a castle with knights and other play figures that some boys were playing with and had abandoned since we arrived. I took Everett over there and began to play with him just like a little boy would. We took sides with the knights and fought to take over the castle. I used my best gruff manly voice and exclaimed, "Aha! We're here to take over your castle!" and "Aaar! He's got me!" tossing aside men who had been hurt.
In just minutes, two other boys were picking up stranded play figures and cannons to join the fight. A few more minutes of playing with them I quietly stepped out and let them take it from there. For the rest of the time we were there, Everett had no problem playing with the other kiddos. He just needed a little help getting started.
10.04.2010
The Playful Perspective
Thanks to Code Name: Mama I'm reading Playful Parenting
by Lawrence J Cohen. It is the golden book I should have read long ago (and I don't say that very often about parenting books)!
I have always believed that play is like a child's job, and felt it was very important for Everett to spend most of his time playing with as few limits as possible. I also knew that play is a way to connect with each other and a way that a child explores reality. However, I've never really questioned why to all of this. And I've never thought of play as an acceptable way to handle anger or outbursts. This is especially key to what I have learned and immediately put into practice.
From what I understand after some of my reading, play allows the child to process their emotions- work them out, so to speak. That could mean that Everett reenacts a traumatic experience using his stuffed animals, or that i start tossing him around and teasing him when he throws a punch out of anger.
Honestly, I've become stuck in the muck of adult perspectives. I readily assume that he needs to learn how to process his anger in a serious manner that allows him to acknowledge it and express it, then find a healthy way to resolve it. For example, talking about how he feels, stomping it out or yelling and then breathing to calm down and talk (some more) about what he can do to resolve it, if necessary. That's a lot of talk for a 3 year old, isn't it? Perhaps that's why it doesn't work too often.
Reading what Cohen says about how children use play to understand reality, I realize that play is the perfect way for Everett to do all that I want for his emotional health- acknowledging, expressing, resolving. Not to mention, that when he starts swinging and I can turn it into a game, he learns how to blow off anger when it's not really appropriate (like when he doesn't get to open the door by himself before we get to it).
On a side note, I quickly turned a potential problem into a game when leaving the park yesterday. As Everett continued to lag behind despite my nagging I changed my perspective. How can I turn this into a game? I said to Everett, "pretend you're the daddy and I'm the little girl and you have to get me to the car to leave. What do you do?" We quickly picked up our roles and he pretended to drag me to the car talking about how we can live at the park even if I want to. We got to the car with no problems. Furthermore, I think Everett enjoyed trying on this role with me and I learned a lot about him through our dialogue.
I can't wait to keep reading through the book. I hear that there is a chapter on roughhousing that will be especially applicable to my rowdy guy!
You can join the Code Name: Mama virtual book club's reading of Playful Parenting, too. It's not too late to check out the book, then hop in on the blog posted summaries and discussions!
by Lawrence J Cohen. It is the golden book I should have read long ago (and I don't say that very often about parenting books)!I have always believed that play is like a child's job, and felt it was very important for Everett to spend most of his time playing with as few limits as possible. I also knew that play is a way to connect with each other and a way that a child explores reality. However, I've never really questioned why to all of this. And I've never thought of play as an acceptable way to handle anger or outbursts. This is especially key to what I have learned and immediately put into practice.
From what I understand after some of my reading, play allows the child to process their emotions- work them out, so to speak. That could mean that Everett reenacts a traumatic experience using his stuffed animals, or that i start tossing him around and teasing him when he throws a punch out of anger.
Honestly, I've become stuck in the muck of adult perspectives. I readily assume that he needs to learn how to process his anger in a serious manner that allows him to acknowledge it and express it, then find a healthy way to resolve it. For example, talking about how he feels, stomping it out or yelling and then breathing to calm down and talk (some more) about what he can do to resolve it, if necessary. That's a lot of talk for a 3 year old, isn't it? Perhaps that's why it doesn't work too often.
Reading what Cohen says about how children use play to understand reality, I realize that play is the perfect way for Everett to do all that I want for his emotional health- acknowledging, expressing, resolving. Not to mention, that when he starts swinging and I can turn it into a game, he learns how to blow off anger when it's not really appropriate (like when he doesn't get to open the door by himself before we get to it).
On a side note, I quickly turned a potential problem into a game when leaving the park yesterday. As Everett continued to lag behind despite my nagging I changed my perspective. How can I turn this into a game? I said to Everett, "pretend you're the daddy and I'm the little girl and you have to get me to the car to leave. What do you do?" We quickly picked up our roles and he pretended to drag me to the car talking about how we can live at the park even if I want to. We got to the car with no problems. Furthermore, I think Everett enjoyed trying on this role with me and I learned a lot about him through our dialogue.
I can't wait to keep reading through the book. I hear that there is a chapter on roughhousing that will be especially applicable to my rowdy guy!
You can join the Code Name: Mama virtual book club's reading of Playful Parenting, too. It's not too late to check out the book, then hop in on the blog posted summaries and discussions!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)