Getting Over Mama Guilt

Today was one of those really long days out of the house. I had planned a couple errands and some laundry at my parents, but it turned into literally an all day outing. We left at 7:45 am and didn't return til 5:30 pm.

For a large part of the day, Everett was great. I gave him plenty of time to play, including a brief playdate at the park, and one of our errands was to the library. But when we tried to get in that last load of laundry and do some quiet time reading at my parent's house instead of coming home, one thing led to another with people arriving home, and we were there an extra couple hours. BIG MISTAKE.

He pushed and pushed the boundaries. I held firm ground but didn't lose my temper. He pulled out the big guns- hitting, scratching, pulling down some furniture.  He was angrier than he had been with me in a long time and I wasn't relenting. I might have even pushed a little too much with the consequences. It was terrible. I fought him to get to the car and leave. He yelled, begged, scratched some more. I didn't force him in his seat, but I wouldn't let him go. I hugged him and spoke firmly with him. He eventually relented. Tears, quick good-byes to family, and hugs later, he was calmed down and in the car.

As I loaded the rest of our stuff, I wanted to ball my eyes out. I may not have lost my cool, but I felt horrible and guilty. If I wouldn't have tried to do errands and laundry in the same day, we wouldn't have been out of the house all day and Everett would have gotten the quiet time he needed. I pushed him too far. I felt like it was all my fault and just wanted to hold him in my arms and apologize. All loaded up, I talked with my mom and sister for about 5 minutes. My mom said she knew exactly how I felt, and had been there many times.  Bless his little heart, Everett called to me a few times and told me he just wanted to be with me now. If that didn't make me want to cry even more, five minutes later he was passed out in the car.

So tired was he after all this, I couldn't even rouse him when I pulled him from the car and when his dad got home. He' still asleep now at 7:30.  I've taken these last couple hours to relax and process, hoping to get over the guilt. It's hard to look back, knowing your sweet little one can't help his actions and choices nearly as much as you can. It's hard not to place all the blame on yourself, and its hard to erase the guilt you feel.

Unwinding with a chai tea latte, reading a few mommy blogs and talking with my husband has really helped. Snuggling with my Everett in bed later will hopefully wash away those last little bits, even if he does get up at midnight ready to play and eat some dinner. I'll be there to hug and love on him all over again. And tomorrow Everett and I will be able to talk and process together, planning out what will work better for the both of us in the future.

Rough days like happen to even the best of us. I know I'm a good mom, but the guilt is unavoidable. Part of being a mom who is ever-present to herself and her family is learning from these days and allowing yourself to let go of the guilt you feel.  Be prepared ahead of time, know what you can do to feel better. 


When days like this happen to you, how do you ease your mommy guilt? 

Like the Leaves of Autumn

The winds will blow their own freshness into you,
and the storms their energy,
while cares will drop away from you
like the leaves of Autumn.

(John Muir)

As the leaves begin to change and Autumn finally begins blowing in with a freshness, we begin deep changes.  If you are close to my family, you will know that my grandfather passed away this August. He was staying in our home with hospice care for a few days before dying on a Friday afternoon. It was beautiful in a way that only dark things can be, like the beauty of sadness because it is such an inseparable part of life.

Then, just as we were sweeping out the dust of death, we began packing boxes and moving out.... Out of my parent's house, where we have lived for nearly two years while we remodeled and sold our old house, stabilized our finances, and started my husband at school. My mom would be the first to say that it is bittersweet. She will miss the pitter-patter of little feet coming down the stairs on a Saturday morning, ready to pull Daddy or Papaw out of bed to play. I will miss having my family surround me so often.  

Change uproots us.  It can chill us to the bone with fear of the unknown. It can shake the ground that keeps us walking, and instead, send us stumbling through our days, unsure of where to plant our feet first. But, like the autumn leaves dropping away, change gives death to what we no longer need to make room for what's to come. I love autumn for this very reason.

My life feels a lot like this all right now. These last couple weeks have been, to say the least, uprooting and disorienting. Trying to unpack our life while caring for my boys, I have felt lost sometimes. I can't find my ground. I stumble without our familiar rhythms.

Still, I can't help but feel that these changes hold possibility and, thus, excitement. As I watch my busy 3 year old as busy as a squirrel filling days with play, he seems so resilient. With this move, not a moment was lost to worry or stress. I grasp hold of his resilience and allow myself to push aside the unpacked clothes and picture frames and get lost in an hour spent decorating an empty box with windows cut out of it's sides. 

Instead of fearing the loss of myself in this autumn storm of life, I replace what I want at the moment with what I need to ground myself again. I hold back the yelling and push us out the door into the freshness instead. I put down the cookies or beer and pick up my journal and a cup of tea. 

 And, finally, I relish in the moments that already feel  like they are the beginning of our new rhythms. Pulling open our giant window in the living room each morning, making a fresh cup of espresso and sharing breakfast on the porch. Taking a walk each afternoon to fill little boxes with seed pods, orange leaves and sticks, while exploring the neighborhood. Snuggling up with my boys, nursing one and reading to the other, after a quiet evening and early dinner. Looking forward to enjoying a fleeting moment with my husband as he gets home from school and we sit down for a late dinner together and alone.